A Valentine’s Day Interview with Asexual People
Busting asexuality myths as we gear up for V-day.
Asexuality has gained more visibility over recent years, but it’s still not as talked about as other sexual orientations under the rainbow umbrella. Case in point, I can only think of one openly asexual character in entertainment off the top of my head (Todd Chavez in Bojack Horseman).
This year, as February 14 loomed on the horizon, I was struck by the question one day: what are asexual people doing for Valentine’s Day?
Fortunately, I’m privileged to know several ace humans in my life. (“Ace” as in asexual and “ace” as in awesome.) So, I asked them.
But first, let’s get some clarity on asexuality.
Facts About Asexuality
The asexuality community is a colourful one. And if you’ve never really considered asexuality before, you may be surprised by some of the facts. Here are a few tidbits from AVEN (the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network):
- People who are asexual do not experience sexual attraction. But unlike celibacy and abstinence, which is are behavioural choices, asexuality is an intrinsic part of a person’s identity.
- Like any community, the ace community is made up of diverse individuals. Some asexual people choose to have sex, and some asexual people are in relationships because romantic and sexual attraction are not necessarily the same things.
- Asexuality is a spectrum. On one end are those who are sexual, on the other are those who are asexual. Grey-asexual and demi-sexual people are in the middle.
- Grey-asexual (“Grey Ace” or “Grey-A”) people experience limited sexual attraction and/or low sex drive and/or don’t want to act on sexual attraction for various reasons.
- Demisexual people typically only experience sexual attraction if they have an emotional connection with another person.
- Being “asexual” doesn’t describe your gender preference. Like anyone else, asexual people can be attracted to other genders, their own gender, or multiple genders in romantic or sexual ways.
Interview with Asexuals
I asked some folks who identify somewhere on the asexual spectrum to answer some questions. Here is a lightly-edited interview with Mac (27, she/her/any pronouns), Jackie (25, she/her), and Terra (26, she/her). These are nicknames to protect these folks’ privacy. (P.S.: If you’re a masculine-identified person on the asexual spectrum, I’d love to hear from you since I couldn’t find one of your to interview!)
What label or labels do you use to identify yourself? Or do you not like labels?
Mac: I often think of myself as asexual or gray-sexual in general. But if I want to be more specific, I’d label myself as demisexual.
Jackie: Asexual — heteroromantic (I’m romantically attracted to guys but I feel sexually attracted to no one)
Terra: Gray ace
Are you in a relationship? If you are not currently in a relationship, would you like to be in one, at some point?
Mac: I’m not currently in a relationship, and it’s not something I plan to go out of my way for necessarily either. Honestly, I find something relaxing and freeing about being solitary. There are no expectations placed upon me. Instead, I’m free to follow my whims at my own pace. On the flip side, though, I do think it would be really nice to share moments of my life with someone, to care for them, and to exchange ideas. So, I view the idea of a relationship in a somewhat neutral fashion. If I came across an opportunity to form one and I found myself enjoying that other person’s company a lot, I would certainly be interested in giving it a shot. But otherwise, I’m content to live life with just myself and a cat (or two!).
Jackie: I have been in a relationship now for the past three years.
Terra: No [to being in a relationship right now] and yes [to wanting to be in a relationship at some point].
If you are in a relationship (or want to be in one), what do you value most in a relationship? If you are single, what do you love about the single life? If you like being single AND being in a relationship, what’s the best thing about each?
Mac: If I decided to enter in a relationship now, I think I would value open communication the most. I’ve been in relationships before, and the main factor in each one of them ending was poor communication. People need to be more willing to discuss their feelings openly with one another. Without that, it can sometimes feel like I’m playing an overly complex version of charades with someone. As for those last few questions, I think I answered them as best I could in the previous response (whoops!).
Jackie: I love being in a relationship because I have a partner to face life with. As a single person, I enjoyed the freedom of choice without worrying about its impact on people’s lives outside of my own, but I prefer to be in a relationship.
Terra: In a relationship: [I like] the cuddles. Being single: [I like] not having to spend money on dates and not having to worry about texting back during a hyperfixation. Life is simpler.
What are you doing on Valentine’s Day this year?
Mac: Honestly, I treat it like any other day of the year, but it does come with a bonus potential excuse for getting or buying more chocolate for myself!
Jackie: I don’t know. We haven’t made a lot of plans since it’s been a busy and kind of stressful season. We’ll probably decide on something low key the week before.
Terra: Probably watching some horses [Terra currently works with horses]
What is something people get wrong about folks on the ace spectrum?
Mac: In my experience, people often think that the ace spectrum is just a phase or an excuse to not want a relationship or to have one and not want sexual interaction. “You’ll find someone someday,” they often tell me with what sounds like pity. Or “you’re just nervous,” they’ll say about my lack of interest in engaging sexually with someone. It completely overrides the complexities of my life and paints over them with very broad strokes. For instance, I view myself as demisexual, so I tend to find myself attracted to those I’ve really formed a bond with. But that doesn’t mean I necessarily want to form a bond all the time or even have sex if I do form one. It would be nice if people took my words and the words of others on the ace spectrum at face value instead of looking for ways to undermine our experiences.
Jackie: Since I identify as heteroromantic, I don’t deal with misconceptions from other people because they assume I’m heterosexual. But I would like to tell my younger self something back when I was first figuring things out and confused: “You’re going to find someone and you’re going to feel loved and give love without sex being the key part of that transaction. Calm down. It will get better.”
When I was first figuring out what/who I was I went through a few relationships in semi-quick succession. As each one fell apart, I started to realize that my inability to desire sex and my overall disinterest in the act was a contributing factor to the breakdown of my relationships. After the break-up with my third boyfriend, who had initially been quite patient and positive with full knowledge of my asexual identification, I thought that I might have to accept the idea of living on my own forever and that scared me.
I really wanted a partner in my life, so I tried to imagine myself in the future becoming an old timey housewife who performs her duty. But even just trying to imagine myself attempting regular sexual intercourse left me feeling sick and exhausted. I don’t think I ever gave up on the idea that I could find my needle in the haystack guy who would be able to put up with my lack of sexual desire, but for a period of time, I accepted that while I will always search I’ll probably never find them. But then I did meet someone and it’s been incredible. Yes there are compromises, but it’s nothing as terrible as I thought it would be in the past.
If there was a misconception about the asexual community in general that I would want to correct, it would be that asexuality [isn’t] a spectrum of its own. Where a person falls on [the spectrum] is unique to them, and you cannot categorize all asexual people as the same thing. We are more complex than some label saying, “I hate sex.” My own journey with the identity has taken me from a person who did feel sex-repulsed most of the time to someone who has had sex and enjoyed it. It’s not a simple thing. I don’t want people to think it’s a simple box. It’s more like going to the shoe store and looking at more than a dozen options. There’s more to it than just, “I don’t like sex.”
Terra: That we are sex-averse. Some of us are but a lot can and do enjoy sex, it’s just not the most important thing in a relationship. Hell, probably not even within the top 10. Oh can you add that I just want to Netflix and cuddle.
Li Charmaine Anne (she/they) is a Canadian author and freelance writer on unceded Coast Salish territories (aka Vancouver, Canada). Her work has appeared in literary journals and magazines and she is at work on her first novel, a contemporary YA about queer Asian skater girls. To read Charmaine’s articles for free (no Medium subscription required), sign up for her newsletter.
