The Problem with “Partner”
Versus gendered terms like “boyfriend” and “girlfriend.”
I’m lucky to live in a part of the world that is relatively progressive. In workplaces, at institutions, and in casual conversation, people I meet are increasingly using the word “partner” to refer to their significant other rather than “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.”
In general, I praise this transition to gender neutrality. Using “partner” reduces the preconceived notion that a woman-identifying person’s partner must be male, and a male-identifying person’s partner must be female. “Partner” or “S.O.” (significant other) is also a great word for those who identify outside the gender binary.
However, I would argue that words like “girlfriend” and “husband” still have their place. For those of us who are in non-heteronormative relationships, these words can be incredibly empowering.
“Partner,” historically, was used as a way to avoid disclosing one’s same-sex partner.
When I was in Grade 8, a teacher mentioned her “partner” and used the pronoun “her” to refer to her. This wasn’t a super long time ago, but LGBTQ+ issues were still somewhat off the mainstream radar. So for the rest of the day, us thirteen year-olds muttered among ourselves as to what she meant. Oooohhh, was our teacher gay??? Or did she mean something else…like a work-related partner?
“Partner” sometimes makes me uncomfortable. It reminds me of a time when having a same-sex significant other was something to hide. Even if you felt safe giving people the idea that you might not be straight, using “partner” was a way to reveal your true self but avoid outright naming it at the same time.
I’m not alone in thinking this. I pitched this question to a Reddit community of queer women I belong to, and many of them felt the same way. “Before I got engaged and then married, I always used girlfriend. I disliked the term partner only because it felt to me like it was a way to almost hide the gender of my other half,” says one Reddit user. “I eschewed the term ‘partner’ because it felt like the term of choice for those stuck in the LGBT relationship ghetto,” writes another user, “because we didn’t deserve the cool words that the cishet people get.”
“Partner” also connotes a more serious relationship.
This may be just be my own personal interpretation, but “partner,” to me, connotes a more serious relationship, such as one where both parties live together.
I don’t feel comfortable calling a person I’d just been dating for a few months my “partner.” It feels way too intimate of a title. “Partner” is almost something you have to earn, like an intermediary between “boyfriend/girlfriend” and “fiancé(e).” To me, “partner” is a long-term romantic partner who very likely lives with you. Younger people just starting to date, or other casual daters, may not feel comfortable with the connotation of “partner,” which also connotes there being only one partner. This latter point can be impractical for polyamorous folks.
We’re not cowboys.
Finally, “partner” has a cowboy connotation that I find somewhat amusing. Neil Patrick Harris talks about this in his interview with Oprah: “I just think ‘partner’ is the strangest word . . . ’Cause now I meet grown businessmen and he’s like, ‘This is my partner Jim,’ and I don’t know if they’re in business together or if they’re a gay couple, or if they’re cowboys!”
Of course, “partner” has its place. Sometimes, it simply feels safer to say “partner” when you’re not sure whether the environment you’re in is LGBTQ-friendly. People who identify as non-binary may also prefer being “partners” for good reason. At the end of the day, everyone should ask their partners what they’d like to be referred to as!
So while there’s nothing wrong with saying “partner,” I think it’s important to acknowledge that not everyone feels comfortable referring to their partners that way. For me, using “girlfriend” is empowering. It’s like saying: “Yes, I’m dating another woman and I don’t care what you think!”
Hi! My name is Charmaine and I write about mental health, identity, social justice, and more. Thanks for reading! If you’re interested in more of my identity/social justice related thoughts, I welcome you to check out my article “What ‘Privilege’ Actually Means.” Cheers!
